Yesterday, the work towards my PhD consisted of me going to campus and dropping my enrolment papers in the postbox for the Registry. I went to campus mainly because I am absolutely broke and don't get paid until tomorrow, and didn't even have a spare stamp. And at least I know my cheque got there.
But as I sat at my computer yesterday evening, and then cooked and ate dinner, and then watched trash television with my husband, I felt an old familiar wave of emotion come over me. The feeling that I should be working. Yes, the horrible guilt I used to feel when I dared to go home from the EPSc department at Wash U to cook something to eat and watch CSI or 24 (the only shows I regularly watched), that I didn't deserve to have time out for food and television (yet it was okay for my housemate to take time out for food and yoga, but that's another story).
I don't have a lot of experience of British grad students. It's probably been about five years since I was able to observe them. I don't remember seeing that many in the department after hours (and as an undergrad I spent a lot of time in the department after hours during the Easter term). But they still worked incredibly hard. And I suspect there is only one person who would say that a Wash U PhD is better than a Cambridge PhD, and he doesn't matter anymore. So there is no good reason why I should be feeling the guilt - I am allowed to watch television and go to the cinema. I should have been allowed to do so in the US, but I should be able to in the UK. And certainly at the moment, when I'm not actually fully enrolled!
But as I sat at my computer yesterday evening, and then cooked and ate dinner, and then watched trash television with my husband, I felt an old familiar wave of emotion come over me. The feeling that I should be working. Yes, the horrible guilt I used to feel when I dared to go home from the EPSc department at Wash U to cook something to eat and watch CSI or 24 (the only shows I regularly watched), that I didn't deserve to have time out for food and television (yet it was okay for my housemate to take time out for food and yoga, but that's another story).
I don't have a lot of experience of British grad students. It's probably been about five years since I was able to observe them. I don't remember seeing that many in the department after hours (and as an undergrad I spent a lot of time in the department after hours during the Easter term). But they still worked incredibly hard. And I suspect there is only one person who would say that a Wash U PhD is better than a Cambridge PhD, and he doesn't matter anymore. So there is no good reason why I should be feeling the guilt - I am allowed to watch television and go to the cinema. I should have been allowed to do so in the US, but I should be able to in the UK. And certainly at the moment, when I'm not actually fully enrolled!
I hate the constant feeling that I should be working, even though I know it's not possible to work ALL the time!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how it works for you, but most scientists I know can't actually do any work if they aren't in labs. It's possible for them to work from 9 to 5.30, then go home and forget about it.
With languages however, I will never stop learning: the possible number of words I could learn is infinite, since language is always evolving. I feel guilty for reading a book in English, when if I read it in German I could be improving my language at the same time.
I really hope that when I'm teaching I'll be able to leave work at work, but realistically I doubt that'll ever happen!